A love letter to sisters
And a summer reading wrap up
It’s that time of the month where I share what I’ve been thinking about and what I’ve been reading/watching/listening to. Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how love manifests and how it steals and learns from one love to the next, from romantic to platonic and back again. So, here’s another side of love to wrap up summer.
August is always dedicated to my family in no small part because we have three birthdays in five days, including my sisters who are six years and a day apart.
This summer, one of them got married. Buckling my sister's shoes in the moments before she was to be pronounced ‘wife’ flooded my mind with a thousand memories of all of our years side by side: from playing dress up and doing her makeup when she was little, to her now lending me her bronzer for the big day and shouting at me for not owning an eyebrow pencil!
There are no ceremonies for sisters to declare their undying love for each other. No ritual that allows us to promise each other we'll be there forever, until death do us part. No party to celebrate our joy. No sermon that teaches us that we may fight, we may scream but we'll always return to love. In fact, we live in a world where trying to articulate this stuff can seem sappy, cheesy, icky…So we don't.
I was only two and a bit years old when I looked into a little baby's face that would change my life forever. A little baby that would share my parents, my home, my room, my toys and later on my clothes, my shoes, my skincare stuff! But more importantly, a little baby that would share my heart. My heart has beaten my sister's name since 1995. And then in 2001 it added another name, another sister, to its melody.
My sisters.
My sisters.
My sisters.
My biggest fear is having to live in a world without them. Here’s the thing. I’m the eldest. I’ve known a world without them and it's a world I no longer care for. My sisters have both had scary touch and go moments so when we were younger, I would sneak into their room in the middle of the night to check if they were breathing. In truth, I still sometimes do it.
How I feel about my sisters is equally beautiful and frustrating. No one can rile me up, piss me off, make me lose my shit or unravel every insecurity I feel quite like my sisters can. But I'll cry floods of tears when I hear one of them sing a lullaby to a room of pensioners or when I see the other’s artwork she’s dedicated to me. My sisters make me look like I’ve not got my shit together! I mean I weep at films with sister relationships like…Frozen.
I've never seen myself as weak because I've always had someone to fight for. The best shade I’ve thrown has been in protection of my sisters’ light. I've never seen myself as alone because I've always had homemade best friends. I’ve never felt incapable of loving because my sisters taught me what unconditional love means — I mean there’s no other relationship that I would return to again and again if it was as volatile as that of a sibling!
They say you can't choose your family but I'm not sure that's true. In the same way I once realised that romantic love required waking up and choosing to love a person everyday, I think so does loving my sisters. Like romantic love, my sister relationships require forgiveness, communication, mutual respect, an ability to apologise, humility (the hardest one!) and a lot of laughter. They require both parties to be willing to put in the work. Where we once were forced housemates, we now have to make a conscious effort to stay in touch and to plan quality time. We have to choose to prioritise each other. We have to make space for fun. We have to decide to share our most intimate life moments with one another; our wins, our challenges, our hesitations, our considerations.
And now one sister has to decide how to blend her family. I've always felt blessed and more than satisfied with having two sisters but my sister chose a husband I’m delighted to call my brother — and that’s in no small part because I know he understands how I feel about my sisters. It’s also a moment of reckoning for me — my sister doesn’t need me in the same way anymore. Maybe neither of them have for a while now. And, maybe, that’s OK. In fact, maybe that’s good. Maybe, like all good relationships, we’re moving into a new phase.
I’m excited for this transition. My role isn’t to protect them or guide them from two steps ahead as it may have once been. I’m learning to not only step back but to let them step in for me — to be my protection, my support and my sounding board. They also treat me to stuff these days! Mad.
I find comfort in knowing that as we move forward, how we spend time together is chosen, not forced. And, as they create their own paths and step more and more into their strengths, I know they know their biggest cheerleader is behind them, yelling ‘GO, SIS’ at every step.
Here are a few things I’ve been loving (or not so much) this month
The psychology of digital love. Our bodies have certain hormonal responses to love to keep us safe and help us bond with a partner. Digital interactions with AI companions lack the ability to trigger these physiological responses. So, what will the future look like?
AI and dating apps. The founder of Muzz, a Muslim dating app, has some thoughts on all the rush for dating apps to include AI. But sexologist Kaamna Bhojwani has a more positive take. Honestly, slide into my DMs if you have thoughts on any of this!
Amara Club. If you watch Indian Matchmaking, then you might recognise the founder of this new dating app, Nadia Jagessar. The app says it’s for South Asian people with very high standards and I have very mixed feelings about that. One of the marketing slides says, ‘Finally meet someone your parents can brag about,’ which just feels so regressive. I’d love it if we stopped South Asian diaspora love stories from being steeped in stereotypes. Saying that, if you’re in the US and would be up for trying it out, give me a shout.
Lali Prints. An artist I have followed for years has started creating Indian erotica art and it’s gorgeous.
Men deserve to be bi too. I’ve been sent this Reel so many times! And for a more serious take on the topic, I’ve just ordered Bisexual Men Exist by Vaneet Mehta (NB: If you order from the Bookshop.org link you support independent bookstores and I get a tiny affiliate commission. All the books I mention are on my Brown Bodies library)
Beautifully written :)
Thanks very much for sharing this tribute to your sisters.
My sister is one of my best friends, as well.