How to set erotic goals

It's not as boring as it sounds, promise!

I don’t believe in new year’s resolutions. They’re often ways we tell ourselves that the way we’ve been previously is ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. Instead, I’ve exported what I’ve learnt from work (I know, I hate myself too) and become a fan of goal setting in my personal life. Goals are realistic, specific, actionable and measurable, and you can review and iterate on them as you progress and learn.

So, when I recently saw on Instagram someone setting sex goals as part of their new year’s goal setting ritual and then, later that week, I heard a friend say that one of her goals this year is to attend a sex party, my attention was grabbed.

But setting goals is so unsexy, I hear you say. Doesn’t it take the magic out of sex? Well, sex therapist Dr Emily Morse says you need to have more of a growth mindset around sex to make it more fulfilling. It helps you flex that muscle of being able to know and articulate what it is you actually want. And to have a sex life that you dictate — not one that happens to you — and that’s sexy AF. We do this with everything else we want to excel at or enjoy like our careers, education, fitness and hobbies, so why don't we approach sex in the same way? 

I went down an internet rabbit hole looking into the world of erotic goal setting — so much so that I accidentally ended up on incel and Alpha male forums but that’s a story for another day. There was more content than I expected — including podcasts, threads on LoveHoney’s forum and articles from sex therapists.

Here’s what I learnt:

Important note, as always: I’m not an expert or a professional. I’m just learning in public and sharing thoughts it brings up. I warmly welcome you to correct me, challenge me and send me further resources.

Setting goals 

First, you need to ask yourself what your intentions are for goal setting:

• What is it you want to experience? Is it something new? Is it more, or less, of something? Is it on your own or partnered? 

•  How is it you want to feel? Is it about feeling less shame about your body or less embarrassed about what you want? Is it about power or dominance? Do you want to feel more knowledgeable? Do you want to understand yourself or your partner better?

• What isn’t working for you right now?

• What is working for you right now?

• What are you trying to figure out or accomplish? This could be around your sexuality, your relationship, pain or discomfort, questions about where your beliefs come from, confidence or sexual archetypes you want to inhabit.

• What is important to you? 

• What are your boundaries?

Now, you can set goals. Once you have them you want to define the practical steps to get to your desired destination. As Guide By Day says, “The more vague a goal is, the more unsure you will be on how to achieve it. Instead of [setting a goal like] ‘examine your sexuality’, endeavour to say ‘have a threesome’ or ‘have a solitary night of exploration’. 

A side note from me: the difference to goal setting exercises in other areas of your life is that time goals and deadlines are not necessarily as useful. Things change, partners need time to process, our bodies may not be ready when we thought they would be and so much more. If it’s not working or doesn’t feel good, don’t do it! This is about pleasure and feeling safe in yourself!

So, what can sex goals look like?

Here are some examples from around the internet.

For yourself:

1. I’m going to journal once a month. I want to reflect on and learn more about my internal thoughts and desires. I want to better articulate what it is I want. 

2. I’m going to listen to a podcast series about the history of sex. I want to understand and gain knowledge. 

3. I’m going to attend sex therapy once a month. I want to understand where my fear and shame come from to help me feel more confident.

4. I’m going to buy my first toy by the end of February. I want to explore myself more. I want to have orgasms alone and understand how I got there. I want to understand what I like.

5. I’m going to attend a women’s only play party by the end of the year. I want to explore my bi curiosity, feel sensual in a safe space and explore my interest in voyeurism.

6. I’m going to read 5 minutes of erotica once a week. I want to expand my horizons and expand my vocabulary around sex. 

7. I’m going to go to a Shibari (Japanese rope tying) class in the first half of the year. I want to learn a new skill, feel sexy and have fun. 

   

   Art of Shibari

8. I’m going to practise body mapping once a week. I want to be more aware of my body and present within it. 

9. I’m going to attend an introduction to tantra class. I want to decolonise my views on sex. 

10. I’m going to speak to another parent about sex after children. I want to feel less isolated, find community and understand how others have navigated these challenges. 

For each goal, you might want to break down the steps further:

• When will you do this?

• Who will help you?

• How will you do the research?

• What does success look like?

With a partner:

We can talk about everything with our partners but sex can still feel taboo. A girlfriend I was talking to recently said she can talk to her partner about her bowel movements in depth, but talking about what she wants from sex, especially when they’re not in the moment, is…painful. 

All this to say, you can write down as many goals as you want that are related to a partner but if you don’t chat about them it ain't gonna happen. Why? Because your partner isn’t psychic. I feel like the tl;dr on anything about love and sex is, “You need to learn to communicate.” 

So, maybe your first goal should be:

1. I will have a sit down conversation with my partner. We want to evaluate our sex life, explore what is and isn’t working, what can be better, what we both want to try and what we, maybe, both want to stop doing. We may expand this to be a reoccurring conversation. We want to speak to each other with the right intention: “You’re not doing anything wrong; I just want us to understand each other better and experience more pleasure together.”

Note: if you set this as a goal, choose a location that works for both of you that isn’t your bed which should be a sacred place for sleep and sex. Somewhere like your living room or your favourite cafe is great. You can also have an agenda. 

2. We will have regular sex dates. We want to prioritise and demonstrate a commitment to each other. We will set a realistic and mutually agreed goal of how often we want to have sex and we will add it to the calendar. 

My excellent friend, journalist, broadcaster and writer, Alix Fox says, “I don’t tell people to schedule sex but to schedule intimacy. That way, you're prioritising making time for closeness, play, exploration, etc. but nobody feels like they're duty-bound to have intercourse simply because it's in the diary, even when they’re not in the mood or in pain, etc. Likewise, nobody feels able to demand intercourse or resent it being 'withheld' or seeing it as 'a deal being broken'. Schedule intimacy and sensuality: keep the time set but the options open.”

Some questions to ask before scheduling in time (copyright Business Insider)

3. We will go to sex therapy together. We want to get on the same page, have more honest conversations and explore some of the challenges we’re facing, guided by professional support.

4. We will attend a talk about sex in our faith. We want to understand deeper what our faith teaches us about sexuality and unlearn what our culture has told us. 

5. We will explore a new fantasy. We want to understand each other’s inner hopes and dreams. We want to be more open.

6. We will watch porn together. We want to spice things up and be more exploratory.

7. We will give each other one dare a month. We want to be more playful and step outside of our comfort zone. 
   Here are some ideas if you do want to try this! 

8. We will have a sexscapade weekend every quarter. We want more quality time away from the kids where we focus on our intimacy. 

9. We will focus more on foreplay. We want to give each other more focused attention, get each other into the right headspace and have better orgasms. 

10. We will create a pleasure map together. We want to be more mindful about how we give each other attention.

This is a non-exhaustive list, obviously. If it’s something you want to work on by yourself or with your partner(s), then it’s worth noting down. Sex goals are all about what you want and what matters to you. They can be anything from getting closer to your partner, trying out new fantasies, talking more openly about what you want, experimenting, looking after your sexual health or just taking care of yourself to make your overall sexual experience better. It's about what makes you happy and fulfilled. And you don’t have to set them at the beginning of the year! Whenever you’re ready. 

Once you set your goals, keep tabs on them: celebrate the wins, tweak the ones that aren't quite working and look back and remind yourself why you set those goals in the first place.

And hey, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you should skip out on personal goals. You and your partner are both individual sexual beings too. Exploring yourself is as crucial for a strong relationship as exploring each other, together. 

So, are you going to set some erotic goals?

Also, would you be interested in a guided workshop to get yours down on paper? Drop me a reply in the comments or privately if you’d be keen.

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