Love on the road
Dr Nabila Ismail discusses dating while travelling the world
I come across Dr Nabila Ismail while I’m scrolling through Reels — procrastinating instead of writing a Brown Bodies interview, obviously. I rarely see South Asian women travelling solo around the world so I do what’s right: I stalk all of her socials for the next 45 minutes.
It turns out the Pakistani-American from New York has a doctorate in pharmacy (making South Asian parents proud everywhere) but decided she wanted a career change. She’s now a full-time creator, travelling around the world.
“South Asian daughters, especially eldest daughters, don't get to enjoy the fruits of their labour — you don’t get to treat yourself,” she voicenotes me from Seoul, where she’s been for the last three weeks. “And we should be. We shouldn’t be waiting until marriage to live our lives.” As the eldest daughter of three, I catch myself nodding vigorously.
She candidly discusses being South Asian on her socials but when it comes to sex, well, to Nabila, it’s private.
When did you first become aware that sex was a thing that exists in the world?
It must have been the fifth grade. We were given a very basic introduction to anatomy and health. I understood it to be something that was purely about healthcare — it didn't make me feel anything other than like I was being educated about my body. But maybe that's because I was interested in doing healthcare as a job! I did not understand it to be intimacy, or an act of intimacy rather.
What about at home?
Growing up in a Muslim South Asian household, we didn't talk about it. It’s always been something you don't talk about. I feel like I have very much adopted that into my own life — I don't really talk about it and I prefer to keep that part of my life private.
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Has that changed at all while travelling?
It’s funny, since starting to talk publicly about solo travelling as a South Asian woman — or as a Pakistani, more specifically — people assume or figure out that I am Muslim. For some reason, that means sex is something that comes up so much more than it has done in the past for me. It’s specifically South Asian men who have been commenting on why I — an unmarried South Asian Muslim woman — am travelling alone. They presume it’s because I’m looking to sleep around because, they expect, I can't do that at home. It just blows my mind! Firstly, whether that’s true for people or not, there just shouldn’t be any judgement.
I’m so sorry you’re getting that kind of response.
It’s just so sad that men think that’s why women want to travel. For me, I travel to understand myself better, to build confidence, to get a better feel for the world, to become more culturally competent and to treat myself! Sex is definitely not related to why I travel.
What about dating? Is that something you think about while you’re travelling?
Relationships and dating while on the road has been challenging for me — especially, when you’re looking for something serious. Which I am. I’m not really interested in anything else.
I meet other travellers, but they’re all going in different directions or they’re not looking for something serious. I’ve considered trying to find a base for a while as I am not having much luck on the relationship front while travelling — I’ve been on the road full-time for three or four years and dating has definitely taken a backseat. A base would allow me to ground myself, make closer friends and start dating in earnest. You know, really put myself out there.
I think another reason it's been particularly hard to find someone is because I'm looking for someone who is South Asian, Muslim and understands my culture. There aren't that many travelling around the way that I do! If I do see South Asian men, they’re in groups, with their partner or their families. Those dynamics mean they’re often not in the same environment as me or not as open to meeting people.
Was it better back home?
To be honest, I’d say dating in general is very challenging. Like in New York, dating is the worst. Don't go there to date — it sucks! [Anisah: London isn’t any better, I promise.] It's gotten harder for a lot of different reasons. Part of that has to do with social media and apps giving us access to so many people. I think maybe we have unachievable standards for a partner because there is so much choice. Another reason is everyone’s on their own paths, doing their own things, trying to achieve their own dream. It’s hard to fit into each other’s lives. So I feel like dating was hard at home but harder on the road.
Is there any hope!?
Yes! I've heard so many great stories about people meeting on the road — it's definitely possible. When you do meet someone while travelling, you tend to be on the same page because they're also travelling, experiencing another culture, looking for good experiences and trying to have a good time — you find you’re on the same vibe. You’re also in a good mood when you're on vacation and that really helps the connection.
I will say that the men I’ve met while travelling have been good people: They’re more worldly, more accepting, more knowledgeable and not as ignorant. People from different ethnicities and cultures have different views on dating and on how they treat women. Other girls also talk about things like, ‘I went to Europe and the Italian and French guys treat you so much better.’ I can't really say if that's true or not but the stereotype of dating abroad is that the men are more romantic than the American men.
OK, before I let you go, how are you planning to get more South Asian women travelling?
I started something called The Dose of Travel Club. It’s a travel community that is inclusive of all but mainly focuses on the South Asian diaspora. After travelling for more than 10 years, I’ve rarely seen South Asian people, especially girls, travelling like I do. I was lucky I had a community on TikTok and IG where people were telling me they want to get into travelling and to travel with people who look like them and understand their experience of the world. They want to feel seen and not discriminated against. So I started something for them.
Travel shouldn’t be something we only do when we are married or when we retire. It's also not just about ticking off destinations from a list. I want to show people you can build friendships and real connections, experience new things and get out of your comfort zone while having a tonne of fun.
Any plans for helping people find their match on these trips?
I have co-ed trips and I definitely feel like people could find their life partner on them. How cool would it be if a couple met on one of my group trips and got married!? We would forever be part of their story! My whole purpose is to connect people with other like minded folk because I know how hard it is to find people you connect with — so, yeah, I would love to be a part of a couple’s love story! I'm here for it.
Thanks Nabila for taking the time to chat in the middle of your Seoul trip! To follow Nabila’s travels, follow her on her Instagram and TikTok. I particularly love her IG stories where she’s very candid about how things are going. If you want to travel with Nabila, she’s got trips coming up to Tulum and Bali which look really fun — you can find out more on her website.
If you’re new here,firstly thank you! Here’s how Brown Bodies works. Every Sunday (mostly!), a piece about Sex in the South Asian diaspora will drop in your inbox:
One week tends to be an interview with someone high profile,
the next week tends to be an educational piece (next week we’re talking about painful sex with a top gynae)
and the final week is a personal piece from me (plus the best things I’ve been reading/watching).
Although the focus is on the South Asian experience, everyone is welcome here — both to read and to engage. As an Estonian friend said to me recently, “We may be an atheist nation, but the taboos and experiences are very similar. This newsletter has been wonderful food for thought for me!”