The odds of getting lucky
Bobby Seagull of Indian Matchmaking fame discusses being unlucky in love and the hunt for his 70 soul mates.
I meet Bobby Seagull in Second Home’s quiet cafe in Farringdon where every member of staff is 100% eavesdropping on our not-so quiet conversation. From the get go he is super enthusiastic and, if you watch Netflix’ Indian Matchmaking, you’ll know he likes to chat. During our 90 minutes together, we cover everything from football (he’s a big West Ham fanboy) and Brown Girls Do It Too (‘so many aha moments’) to his career change from trader at Lehman Brothers to maths teacher and tips for the date he is about to go on. Obviously, we manage to squeeze in a bit about sex and love too.
Growing up, did you discuss sex at home?
I was so focused on my studies that I never really thought about girls. I obviously watched TV and fancied Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq (who didn’t?) but I didn’t really talk to girls. I went to a boys school until I was 16 and then, when things could have changed, I got a scholarship to continue my education at Eton — another boys school! The first time I asked someone out I was 20!
Why did things change then?
After my A Levels I took a gap year and joined accountancy firm KPMG — that’s when I had women around me for the first time. To be honest, I'm still not that different from younger me. I’ve only ever had one girlfriend. I’ve been single for 11 years now and I think maybe I am meant to stay single — or maybe I just say that to make myself feel better?
Do you want a relationship?
Yes, I would love one. I have so much love to give. Yes, I get to share it with my parents, my three siblings, my cousins and other relatives, but romantic love is different. It’s someone to share your life with. My parents would like that for me too.
I think I’d make a great partner — oh God, people who make the worst partners say that, don’t they? — but I’m chatty, considerate of other people’s needs, I like planning surprises, I treat strangers well even when I’m not being observed (I feel like that’s such a good way to know if someone’s a good person), I help people carry pushchairs up stairs…And I just think surely those are all good traits that are translatable to a relationship?
OK, so we obviously can’t not talk about your appearance on the iconic Indian Matchmaking. What made you want to do the show? Was it just a career move?
Obviously, it's a win-win. I do TV work anyway so it's good to get exposure but my primary reason to do it was to meet someone.
I watched the original series with my cousins and we thought it was hilarious — we loved it!
And then, in lockdown, we saw a Facebook ad callout for single South Asians looking to meet someone so we decided to apply. We didn’t know it was for a TV thing, let alone that it was for Indian Matchmaking! I got a call back.
A lot of the chat online about you on the show has been about your sexuality. How do you identify?
I sometimes think life would be easier if I wasn’t straight as I get a lot of men hitting on me! In all seriousness, I am straight and I am attracted to women. I’m just sensitive, open and honest about my feelings which are considered feminine traits. It doesn’t fit with what a South Asian man should be — we need to break out of that box. We don’t need to be aggressive and testosterone fuelled to succeed in life. You’ll only see that side of me at a West Ham game!
Although I joke about it being easier, it’s important to note the struggle of gay men in our communities — many who end up marrying women and having kids because of an obligation and an expectation.
How have people responded to your appearance on the show?
I get so many messages of support and it’s lovely. I also get hundreds of DMs asking me out [editor’s note: It’s true. He showed me!]. I read all of them but I never reply. I’m worried they want to date ‘a celebrity’ and that they like the idea of me and not actually me.
People are always trying to give me dating advice too. I get stopped on the streets, get sent DMs and even hour-long YouTube videos breaking down my every interaction. It’s mostly always by men trying to teach me how to have ‘rizz’. Apparently, I don’t have any.
A lot of advice I get is not always to become the kind of person I want to be. Men will tell me, ‘Hey, I used to be a really sweet and nice guy just like you and I realised that doesn’t work. Here are some ways to change’. They’ll go on to tell me how I am too nice, not mysterious enough, way too interested and not enough of a douchebag.
Well, that just feels like toxic advice.
The reason I'm single is because, clearly, I'm not good at dating. I've only got past a third date three times in my life. So, I need to adjust something. But the advice I often get is about trying to be someone I’m not. I have tried some of the advice on dates — like holding back a little bit about myself, being a bit more aloof, looking away and ignoring them while they’re talking — and, sadly, it works. But if I start dating someone as this mysterious character, it’s not me they’ll be dating and everyone will be disappointed in the end.
I agree people do need a bit of the chase in dating — even people with integrity looking to settle down want some of that. I reveal too much too soon. I need to be more like the best novels where a writer slowly reveals the plot and leaves you hanging every chapter so you can’t put it down and you can’t wait to find out more.
What about your students? Did they watch the show?
I now have a special kind of licence to chat about relationships to the teenagers in my school. They get to see me on TV being vulnerable and open about my heart so they feel comfortable coming to me. Obviously, I don't talk about sex because of teacher-student boundaries and I want to keep my job (!) but I do get to discuss relationships. I have changed some of their minds about what they want in their lives. Young boys, getting to grips with their new testosterone levels, are obsessed with what their partners look like — they want a ‘fit bird’. They watch Andrew Tate, who is huge in secondary schools, tell them they need to be dominant and slap girls around to be real men. I get to discuss how personality, family and humour are more important. Different role models are important. Other teachers can’t do that because why would you talk to a random teacher about this stuff?
So you’re still dating. Do people come with preconceived notions of who you are?
I quite like that a date already knows what to expect. It means they won’t be afraid to meet me and they’ll know not to expect dark and edgy. It makes it easier to go in as me.
People expect me to be super chatty. I am chatty but the editing on Indian Matchmaking made it seem like that’s all I do. Netflix is obviously trying to create characters, like a novel does, and that’s the character they wanted me to be — It would have changed the narrative if they constantly showed me asking questions or actually listening to people.
How is dating going for you?
I moved out of my family home three years ago and I thought it would make dating easier. I was like ‘I’ve got my own place now so I can bring a girl back and make her a gin and tonic’. I even bought a bottle of Bombay Sapphire for that special occasion. It’s still sealed.
I struggle to put myself out there and make the move to make a relationship intimate — even just holding a date’s hand is hard. I often stall and I rarely make the first move. I think I have a deep seated insecurity about being rejected. So when a moment comes, I get scared, the moment passes, the opportunity for more is lost and it moves into something platonic.
My principles tell me to not bring home a girl on the first date and probably not even on date two or three. I want them to know I respect them and I want to build a trusting relationship with them. Although, maybe all of that goes out of the window when I meet the right person.
Would you ever get set up again?
Yes, I'm still single (hi reader!). I like the thought that someone puts into setting someone up.
Online dating has benefits but people are so blinkered by their list of requirements. If it isn’t appearance, you’re filtered by location, education, caste and religion. Once you get through all of that and you are on a date, there’s no commitment because in the back of your head there are 100 other people who you could be talking to.
Do you want to be with someone South Asian?
I go through phases. When I was on Indian Matchmaking that was definitely what I wanted. But I am at the stage in my life where anyone would be nice! I think much more about the human traits: someone kind, tolerant and with a sense of humour.
Talk to me about the mathematical equation you developed to find a compatible partner.
I don't believe in soul mates. I believe there are many people you could be compatible with and a lot of it depends on timing — your perfect person could have lived 50 or 100 years ago — so the equation is about figuring out how big your pool is.
I looked at Drake's equation which is a probabilistic argument that estimates the number of intelligent civilisations in our galaxy. The answer ranges between 10-100 possible civilisations. I've applied that learning to my dating life: I’ve substituted the factors for things like location, age range, interests, academics, and background. In 2017, I estimated the number of ‘perfect people’ that I could have an amazing long-term relationship with was 73.
I reckon I’ve met three of those people in my lifetime and I would would have died a very happy man had any of them been my forever partner. For various reasons, they haven’t worked out. 70 more to go!
Does your compatibility hypothesis take into account sexual compatibility?
I think people have instincts but, on the whole, I think sex is something we learn and develop with a partner. Sex is not magic. We may not understand the feeling of chemistry or attraction, but we do know that two-way communication improves it.
Yes, there may be a spectrum of innate talent like with any skill:
If you look at a normal distribution curve, most people’s sex skills are probably around the middle and there will be some people who are on the right and are truly exceptional, or on the left as truly horrendous. But everyone can learn. I’ve been single for 11 years, for example, so I’ve probably forgotten all of the mechanics. But with the power of Google combined with practice, it would get better quickly. I practise saying ‘I don’t know’ in everything I do and I generally get better at most things because of it.
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Let us know what you thought in the comments — what else should I have asked!?
A massive thank you to Bobby for the honest and earnest interview! You can find him on Twitter and Instagram or you can always hit me up if you want to be set up ;)
A huge thank you to Dimple Patel for making this interview happen .