What does progressive mean?
Plus, the best things I've read over the last few weeks.
What does it mean to be progressive?
I want to think something out. I’ve had this conversation a couple of times with different people this week so I thought I’d write my incomplete musings on the topic. I’d love it if you’d jump into the comments to help me add some colour to my thoughts.
When I studied the history of women’s rights, I learnt progressive to mean proximity to equality: Progressive societies give women the same, or closer to the same, rights and access to opportunities as men. It was a word with positive connotations. It was a word to mean ‘change in the right direction’. But, as I’ve gotten older, I see it used to mean a proximity to Western values and whiteness.
When someone calls me progressive because I choose to wear a bikini, for example, as a brown Muslim woman, they mean it as a compliment. Instead, I see it as someone presupposing that Muslims are inherently regressive and that I’ve chosen to distance myself from my faith. It’s an idea that I disagree with and that oversimplifies complex issues around politicised use of religion (but that’s a longer conversation for another day!). It also ignores the diversity of a faith of two billion people.
But, more importantly, it implies a lack of choice. Because what is it they are actually saying? Are they insinuating that someone who chooses more coverage at the beach, like a burkini, is regressive? ‘Poor thing,’ they say, ‘if she’s covering up on the beach, she must be so oppressed — she must be being controlled by her dad/husband/insert other male relative.’ They’ve neglected all possibility that a woman may choose to cover up because she wants to. She may cover up because it aligns with her values. She may cover up because it makes her feel closer to God. She may cover up because it makes her confident. When we judge one woman's attire as acceptable and another's as not, that is regressive. We’re undermining women’s liberation — which is what the bikini is meant to represent in France, right? Yet, they're dictating what is acceptable for a woman to wear. Just today, they've banned girls from wearing an abaya to school. How is that progressive?
Now let’s take that same thinking when it comes to sex
Caveat: This is not a black or white conversation — and it’s not one I’m going to do full justice to today — but it’s the start of a chat I think we should be having more. It’s also worth noting this in the context of the UK.
Having sex out of the structures of a marriage and with more than one partner is considered a sign of how far we’ve come as a society. We’re no longer tied to a man. It’s a sign of physical freedom and self-determination. It’s a sign of ‘our bodies, our choice’ and I’m here for it. 100%. I’ll support and fight for anyone who chooses to have sex with anyone they choose in a safe, consensual manner. And I will also ask for the tea, afterwards!
I will also support and fight for anyone who chooses not to do that.
The women who’ve only ever slept with one partner their whole lives and are tired of hearing ‘how do you know if they’re any good?’ and the women who decide they are going to wait until marriage for sex who constantly hear ‘how do you know if you’re going to be compatible?’ Then there are women who have decided they won’t kiss, hug or be alone with a man until they are married. The immediate presumption is they’re being forced to abstain from intimate relationships.
After hundreds of conversations with Muslim girls from when I was 13 until now at my ripe old age of 30, I promise you that many (not all — as I said, there’s diversity within the faith) genuinely believe in the teachings and principles of their faith, including those related to sexuality. Their choice to abstain from sex until marriage, or to follow any other religious guidelines, is a sincere expression of personal convictions and values, not something imposed upon them. Some people find a deep sense of spiritual fulfilment in adhering to their faith's teachings on sexuality, believe it or not. They may view their choices as a way to align their physical and spiritual wellbeing. It’s also a journey. The more an individual grows and learns, the more they develop a nuanced understanding of themselves, their wants and needs…physical and spiritual.
Yes, there are extremes where choice is removed and I would be remiss to not mention it here including rape, coercion and honour based abuse and killings. The latter have been on the rise in the UK for relationships, sex and pregnancy outside of marriage; ‘immoral’ behaviour like not dressing modestly; declining to get married to someone chosen by the family; divorce; and homosexuality. These are conversations we also need to have.
What I’m rambling on to say is: Not having sex is as much an expression of freedom of choice as choosing to have sex is — withholding sex can also be a political statement.
So if you’re having sex with multiple people, with one or none, that’s your choice.
If you had sex before marriage or after, that’s all you.
If you were waiting for marriage and decided to no longer wait, that’s OK.
If you had sex before marriage and now want to wait, go for it.
If your first time was your wedding night, you’re now divorced and want to wait until you're married again, cool.
If you don’t want to wait for another marriage, great.
If you never ever want sex again, that’s fine.
You do you, boo.
When we begin with the presumption that a person’s relationship to sex is their choice and we don’t judge it, I’d say that’s progressive.
Here are a few things I’ve been loving this week
Let’s talk about (brown) sex, baby! I wrote a little something for the Migrants’ Rights Network. Apparently, it’s about my “journey of embracing the intricate histories of feminism, sex and power in religion, literature and colonised history.” It’s quite personal.
Halal Sex: The Intimate Lives of Muslim Women in North America. The lovely Eshaan Akbar — who you may remember from my first ever Brown Bodies interview — brought me this gift back from Canada. It’s the book that sparked the conversations I’ve been having this week and my musings above. It covers the story of six Muslim women living in North America. I am three-quarters of the way through and my review so far is: It’s not the best written, some of the stories really do go off on a tangent and I can’t help but feel that the author has an agenda. It feels very much like the age old representation of Muslims — repressed, oppressed and desperate for freedom. Yes, these representations come from somewhere but I had hoped for more nuance. It is interesting but I just thought it could have been so much better. It’s in this section because I think it sparked great chats.
South Asians win across the board at the Edinburgh Fringe. There was a time where the hight of comedy by South Asians was taking the piss out of our food and our accents. Things are changing and it’s exciting. One of the winners was Urooj Ashfaq who won best newcomer for her show which included stuff about her parents’ divorce, distrusting men and casual relationships. She’s headed on tour soon too.
Infertility and social media. Writer Seetal Savla did not feel represented in the online chat about the struggles to become a mother so she’s talking about it.
I have an ask! I’m in the process of organising an event series for the end of the year for all of you. I’m currently looking for a sponsor and a space partner. I’ve got some good conversations happening but if any of you have any leads, let me know!
Thanks for reading! See you next week! x